27 January 2022 @ 02:53 am


get @ meCollapse )
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27 February 2013 @ 11:39 am
My thoughts are becoming more private and with this I feel a sense of power over language will be lost. The thoughts will no longer be there, they will take on the title of memories and a fleeting feeling – a simple burst of energy wanting out – will fill the void, no longer possessing the beauty of articulation. I’ll smile when the feeling overwhelms me, remember when I had a medium for this, and move on – never putting pen to paper; fingertips to keyboard.

It terrifies me.
 
 
mood: anxious
 
 
11 November 2012 @ 01:06 pm
Okay, I keep drifting in and out of here like I'm on the brink of sleep or something, but what is going on? Where is everyone? Are we are congregating to dreamwidth? Tumblr? What is this with LJ not respecting users? I'm just trying to post some fictional stories.
 
 
Life update: Had a break through in therapy, which honestly I didn't even believe in and didn't realize I didn't believe in until it happened to me, about a week ago. My therapist mention emotional abandonment. She just said the phrase and it was then that I realized that no one in my life talked about this and I haven't considered it to be something I've had to deal with. We've talked about abandonment, the feelings I have around family and just feeling "abandoned", but not labeling it. When she said "emotional abandonment" it was like a light bulb went off in my head. I've had friends that have had similar relationships with their parents and loved ones, I've recognized it in other people and what I've noticed is there is an element of neediness that manifests itself. Of course, if you were deprived of that and need it you search for it in others and crave being around those who fulfill that need and at times come off as "needy". I understand that, but my symptoms around this have been the polar opposite. Instead of needing the attention and openly seeking the attention from others around me, I project that love that I've always wanted outward, to others (especially those who I see myself in) and love them until I have nothing left for me. A cycle, that in my mind, is gratifying. If I can touch those with this form of unconditional love, I will feel fuller; I will feel accomplished. It never ends up this way. See, the unspoken rule of my selflessness is that it will be repaid back to me. Like a Karma credit. Those around me will recognize this is how I love and therefore should love me back the same. I didn't take into consideration that everyone loves differently and consequently each time I loved it was a broken synapse. All my electrical current was flowing to one point but never to be pinged back, or to come back (what I believed) weaker.

This "a-ha" helped me understand this: No one will love you the way you want to be loved, only you can and only then can you teach others to love you. That is, I am not about to go force my friends to love me unconditionally around every aspect, but I can set boundaries for myself, and teach them how I want to be treated for standing up for myself and letting them know that I love myself far too much to let them use and abuse me as they please. This also made me realize that, through loving myself, I was able to understand that they love me just as much. Truly. We just all show it differently. I am a very emotional person who surrounds herself with less emotional people because I am used to that. I grew up in a household ruled by the "emotionally lazy" and in my mind I expect that to keep me out of my own head and my own feelings because I admire those who are comfortable enough in their own skin to brush off certain comments or toxic attitudes. The only negative here is that I am so wrapped up in wanting to think and feel the complete opposite of my true nature that I, once again, lose sight of myself and stop nurturing my essence. This is no good and finally, I understand this truth.

So, where do I go from here? It's been a week and I know this is something I will work through my entire life. I will constantly have to check myself before I wreck myself. I will need to remind myself daily that I love myself and the people in my life love me back and are in my life for a reason; because they want to be. It has been one little week and I already see and feel the progress. Each day I will stand up for myself little by little until it is a reflex. It will take time, but I am truly happy now and I will not let that go for anyone or anything. I won't lose who I am again. Ever.

It's been a very powerful time guys.